O.A.

My body began to change and mature in so many ways that I was unfamiliar with, especially throughout my senior year in high school. I continually noticed how my facial structure was changing the way my face looked, and the way my waist and arms looked in a leotard and tights when I went to ballet class every day. To cope with the discomfort I was feeling towards my body image, I chose to limit certain foods from my diet that I found to be unhealthy and worked to practice portion sizes at each of my meals. 

After graduating from high school and coming to college, I gradually became obsessive over my body image and my weight when I stepped on the scale, which was really frequent.  During fall quarter last year, I took on new diets, eliminating gluten and meat from my diet whenever I could, and even tried fasting on a regular basis to limit the amount of food I was consuming in hopes of losing weight. Fasting and dieting were combined with my obsessive workout routine; I pushed myself to go to the gym at least six times a week, planning my entire days around having enough time to go to the gym. The year continued and I still hadn’t lost the weight I desired to so desperately and I was still lacking all confidence in my body and myself. I found myself binge eating out of frustration and stress, which led to purging. 

For almost three months I found myself at what felt like absolute rock bottom. I initially told myself that I would only purge a couple times a week, but after a couple weeks I was making myself sick after anytime I put food into my body. I became so dependant on purging after eating that in almost all social situations, whether this meant eating snacks at concerts or getting dinner with friends, I had to excuse myself from to go to the bathroom and make myself throw up because of how ashamed I felt for eating and giving into my hunger. Evidently, I lost roughly ten pounds in a span of two months over the summer, and oddly enough, was still unsatisfied with my body image and my confidence was still low. After having a physical this summer and learning that my blood pressure was unusually low, I decided that before coming back to school this fall, I promised myself I would no longer purge after eating because of how sore my throat was, how mentally and emotionally exhausted I felt, and my sudden awareness of how my purging was hurting my health. Once I got to school, I suddenly lost my appetite and found myself eating infrequently throughout the day and having extremely small portions. 

Though I was eating some food at school when I came back to SLO, I ate small amounts, conditioning my body to feel full even after eating part of an apple. After losing nearly ten pounds this summer, I lost another four pounds just within the first week and a half after coming back to school without meaning to. Feeling frail, cold, anxious, constantly tired, and immensely depressed, I reached out to my mom, roommates, and counselling services at school hoping to learn to love myself the way I am so that I can feel happy and healthy again. 

For months, I knew I had an issue with eating and body image, but it was not until my therapist verbally diagnosed me with bulimia and anorexia that I felt entirely broken. Since the beginning of October I’ve had countless therapy sessions, doctor’s appointments and blood tests, which greatly adds stress to my daily schedule between classes and greek life. However, in the past three weeks alone I already find myself eating freely, rather than according to a strict schedule, the caloric content of whatever I’m eating, and by whether or not I worked out enough to deserve the food. In healing after over a year of exhaustive efforts to change my body, I’ve learned that how I look on the outside has very little impact on how happy I am as an individual. Now, I look at my body in the mirror and see a body that has supported me and been there for me when I deprived it, tortured it, and exhausted it. I look at my body and want nothing more than to provide myself with the nutrients and love it needs to survive. I feel like I took a deep breath and I’m becoming my bubbly, talkative, happy self again. 

I’m sharing my eating disorder story with the community because I want to emphasize that our bodies are the vehicles which we experience life with. Our cheeks let us smile when we are happy, our waists let us dance freely when we are listening to music, and our arms give the biggest hugs to our best friends and our loving families, now matter what size they are. Despite my openness to the community about my eating disorder, I’ve been anything but honest and vulnerable with some of the closest individuals in my life right now. I hid this from my parents, my brother, and so many others who mean the world to me, and it’s felt like a huge weight on my heart. I’ve only recently been open to my three best friends who also happen to be my roommates here at school; they’ve given me nothing but unwavering love and support as I’ve been going to therapy, doctor’s appointments, and navigating my way back to a healthy relationship with food. 

Having a healthy relationship with food, or any relationship with food is never something I thought of at all until it completely consumed my mind for over a year. It was not until recently that I learned eating disorders are the most fatal mental illness, so it’s so important to love and nurture your body every day so you can experience life’s most beautiful moments. To the reader: Love your body for how it is, for you were not meant to look like anyone else. You are uniquely and wonderfully you, the way you naturally are.