T.S.

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since high school. Before my senior year I would have never thought that I could have or have had an eating disorder, but looking back I was struggling years before I was able to accept what was really going on. The years leading up to this I was in a constant cycle of dieting, in fact I don’t think there was ever a time in high school that I wasn’t on a diet or trying to lose weight. I was so self-conscious and was never comfortable in my own body. When I look back at the pictures from this time I wish I could go back and scream at myself that what I was seeing in the mirror was so skewed, but at the time I just couldn’t see it.

At the beginning of my senior year I became obsessed with losing weight and started tracking my calories, which I had done in the past few times but never to this extent. Before I knew it my entire life was controlled by a calorie counting app, and it took me way too long to realize that what had started as just wanting to lose a few pounds and get in shape had taken over every aspect of my daily routine. I lost a visible amount of weight in that time and had managed to trick everyone in my life that it was totally healthy. I claimed I was just being extra active and a little more conscious of what I was eating, when in reality I was tracking every calorie that I ate and burned. My lowest weight was around homecoming, and pictures of myself from that time still scare me when I look back at them. 

To this day I’m so thankful that my mom caught on to what I was doing to myself and how much I was struggling. Even though I hated her at the time, I couldn’t be more thankful now because I have no idea know how bad my eating disorder would’ve gotten if she hadn’t stepped in. With her intervention, I went from eating almost nothing to eating somewhat normally again and started to gain weight, but unfortunately recovery is not as simple as just deciding to get better. My eating disorder was still controlling me like a voice in the back of my mind, but with my mom’s eyes on me all the time at this point I couldn’t get away skipping meals or restricting calories, and it was around this time that I developed bulimia. 

By this point I had fully admitted to myself that I had an eating disorder, but no one in my life knew outside of my family. I was determined to hide my personal struggles from even my closest friends, and my social media portrayed an image of myself that was so distant from how I truly felt at the time. Throughout the year I ended up seeing multiple nutritionists and therapists, but each time I would start to recover I would relapse just to get worse again, all while my mental state and body image continued to deteriorate. I wanted to get better so badly. I wanted to be able to get out of my head and stop obsessing over what I saw in the mirror, but I was so deep into my eating disorder that I couldn’t escape it for more than a short period of time. 

My entire second semester of senior year is a blur and I don’t remember exactly when I finally started to recover, but at some point during this time I got really into fitness and to this day I credit that as the most important contribution to my recovery. I had always been active and played multiple sports, but once I developed a passion for fitness I was able to shift my focus towards becoming healthy and strong instead of trying to lose weight and focus so much on food. By the time I left for college the next year I had considered myself recovered from the worst of what I went through, but mentally I was still having a hard time. I still had no confidence and was so self-conscious of my body, and although I hadn’t counted calories in months and to this day refuse to do so ever again, the one aspect of my eating disorder I’ve never been able to recover from 100% is bulimia. I managed to get through my freshman year doing well, but my sophomore and junior year started to relapse occasionally. No one in college knows I had an eating disorder in high school, and I was determined to hide it when I started to struggle again. I didn’t have the courage to tell even my best friends what I was going through, let alone open up about it on social media. This time was different though and I knew I couldn’t go down the same path I had before. My senior year of high school I hit one of the lowest points of my entire life and there was no way I was letting myself go there again, but I really had to fight for it. I had to admit to myself that my this wasn’t something I could just leave behind in high school. While my eating disorder doesn’t define me, it’s part of my past, present, and probably future and the only way I can truly handle it is to embrace it. 

I’ve gained so much strength over the last few years and can say now with total honestly that I’m more confident than I have been in my entire life. I love my body and I love how fit and healthy I’ve become. I’m probably the heaviest I’ve ever been, but I haven’t weighed myself in years and I don’t care what the number on the scale is. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and where I am now, but as much as I wish I could say I’m 100% better that just isn’t the case. I still have to fight every day to stay confident and not fall back into old habits, and although this has gotten so much easier I’m not perfect and I still struggle. 

I wanted to share my story because when I first started struggling in high school I was too ashamed to ask for help and didn’t think there was anyone in my life who would understand, so I kept my eating disorder to myself and I regret that so much. It’s so easy to feel alone when those around you are only portraying the best version of themselves on social media, but everyone has their own struggles that they hide from the world. If you took one look at my Instagram during the lowest point of my eating disorder you would see a carefree varsity cheerleader who loved life and glowed with confidence, but in reality I was so uncomfortable in my own body that it took every bit of strength I had just go to school and face the world each day. It took me a long time to seek professional help and even longer, literally until now, to open up and be honest about everything I’ve gone through. To anyone who might be struggling, whether it be with an eating disorder or any other issue, please know that it’s ok to ask for help. There is no glory in carrying the weight on your own shoulders like I did for years, and no one expects you to handle it alone. There is always someone who will understand what you’re going through and be there to support you, you just need to have the courage to reach out.